Bodhi (zenbodhi) wrote,

I found this through lartist and found it to be awesome! I feel like I should use this for some folks with minor modifications as necessary.

Dear S,

You have an overdrawn relationship balance. Your request for moving help is denied. The reason for denial appears below:

ERROR 42C: Applicant has exceeded the allowed number of promised and unrequited favors for the last eighteen (18) consecutive months.
ERROR 94A: Applicant has unreturned borrowed items more than six (6) months overdue.
ERROR 98D:Applicant has not made any positive contribution to the relationship in the past twelve (12) months.

We understand that this negative friendship balance may be an oversight. Please make contributions to the relationship to correct this problem. Contributions may be made in the form of dramaless, unselfish interaction of any kind, including, but not limited to: meaningful conversations that don't center on you and your life exclusively, phone calls when you DON'T want something, a thoughtful gesture, and/or a sincere apology.

Also, please note that the Friendship Plan is not fully compatible with the Utterly Self-Involved Package. Under the Friendship Plan, the Utterly Self-Involved Package is only available on a short-term basis with a positive friendship balance. (Extended access to the USIP may be permitted, at our discretion, under extenuating circumstances.) To continue uninterrupted access to the Friendship Plan, you must unsubscribe All Drama All The Time and All About Me, and resubscribe to Adult Behavior 101, Get A Grip, and How Not To Die Utterly Alone Because You're So Crazy No One Can Stand You.

If your relationship balance is not significantly improved in the next ninety (90) days, your relationship status will be downgraded from Basic Probational Friend to Family Functions Only. Please note that any attempt to turn this notice into further drama will result in immediate and irrevocable demotion. Reinstatement to full-fledged Friend with all associated privileges cannot be granted until the relationship balance is equalized again. We regret to inform you that Best Friend status is no longer an option for you due to your long-term inactive status.


Found the letter located here.
Tags: friends
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